How To Beat Immigration Law (Step 1: Become a Rapper)

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Here is a very simple list of steps for when the going gets tough and the Australian Immigration people give you a hard time.

Making the border

1. Become a rapper. You’ll also need a criminal record, sooner or later, but which to go for first is entirely your own business. You might find yourself in a catch-22, here: you’ll need the record in order to have the street-cred to be a truly gangsta rapper, but you’ll need to be a rapper to get off once you’re taken to court. Use your own discretion. (Find steps for becoming rapper below.)

a. Start by getting a name. Names like Marshall Mathers (Eminem) or Calvin Broadus (Snoop Dogg) simply will not do. If you can, choose one that that relates to money, violence, or some street-smart slang. If all else fails, take a random word and misspell it.

b. Learn how to rap. Rap-battles might be the best way to do this. Try and talk about how much you be makin’ and how much people be lovin’ you, despite haters; also, find someone to diss. Spend the rest of your lyrics disrespecting hot women and talking about your car.

c. Record on somebody’s label (with an appropriately badass name; “Murder” Records or “Smack That” Music or “Wantcho Mama” Inc or something similar) and make sure they get you radio airplay. A playlist to shoot for: Rihanna; your “music”; Leona Lewis; your “music”; Coldplay; your “music”; repeat.

d. Get into a gun fight.

2. Book a major concert in a foreign country. Snoop Dogg chose Australia; Kanye West chose Europe in general. It doesn’t matter where you go, just so long as there will be screaming fans and a conflict with customs.

3. As soon as they tell you they don’t want you in their country because you’re a convicted felon with a temper problem, get your peeps together. Call in Russell Crowe and Eddie McGuire, like Snoop did this week. They gave officials their personal assurance of Snoop’s good character, and now he’s on his way to please those Australian fans. Call in Obama; he’s a self-described lover of Hip-Hop, and you’ll already have thrown him a benefit concert because that’s how rapper’s roll (Democratically).

4. Get your jail time out of the way. Go ahead, go to court; your rapper brethren will be hangin’ there anyway. Late last year, Busta Rymes, Ja Rule, Lil Wayne, and Remy Ma all went to court on the same day, coincidentally. Their charges ranged from two misdemeanor assaults, drunk driving and driving with a suspended license (Busta Rymes) to attempted murder felony (Remy Ma) to felony gun-possession charges (Ja Rule and Lil Wayne).

Kanye West recently got arrested for attacking some photographers; these sort of routine annoyances will happen sometimes. He spent a few minutes behind bars and then tripped off to freedom; now he’s touring. Follow his example; the sooner you get yourself to jail, the sooner you can leave the country.

Now, just stay as trigger-happy and cute as you are right now

Now-just as long as you stay as trigger-happy and cute as you are right now, you’ll have no end of fun legal skirmishes and your gangsta rep will be intact. This shouldn’t be a problem; just stick to the guidelines, and no legal system in the world will be able to keep you out.

Safe travels. Don’t do nothing 50 Cent wouldn’t do.